There are few things I hate more than your modern-day douchebag, you know the typical tool that you can spot from a mile away.  Whether they manifest themselves through Ryan Seacrest haircuts, Tapout! T-shirts or Diesel jeans that cost more than my car- a douchebag is a douchebag and there’s no denying it.

I’ve already mentioned a few ways of spotting these assholes since they stick out like a sore thumb.  But today I realized that I exhibit some of these characteristics!  Now, I’m not a douchebag.  In fact, I’m far from it.  I’m probably the sweetest and friendliest model of humility around.  But sometimes, I accidentally do things that douchebags do (and for completely different reasons might I add).  To the naked eye, this means I translate as a fucking douche to those who have yet to meet me!?  Therefore, I created a set of rules that excuses certain douchebag behaviors depending on a variety of situational factors.

Check out THIS guy!

1.  Wearing sunglasses indoors.  You know someone thinks they’re too cool for school if they’re in a building with their shades on (most likely mirrored aviators).  It doesn’t matter if the place is a fucking greenhouse, there’s no reason to wear sunglasses inside.  Just think of how ridiculous Jeremy Wariner looks, wearing his Oakleys at night.  Same concept.  Save your shades for sunny days at the beach and leave them in the car when you hit the night club.

-EXCEPTION-

I know the importance of a good set of sunglasses and never leave the house or drive my car without them if there’s the slightest hint of brightness in the atmosphere.   They protect your eyes from harmful UV rays, keep you from squinting and look pretty snazzy.  But I’ve caught myself off guard on occassion because I will walk into a building and forget that I’m wearing my sunglasses since they’re practically an extension of my face.  I think this is an excusable reason to be wearing shades inside of a building.  Therefore, you must give a 10-15 second grace period after an individual walks through the door.  If they don’t remove their shades after this window of opportunity, they’re fair game.  You can point and mumble “douchebag” under your breath all you want.

For more: visit http://jackcolton.com/dont_wear_sunglasses_at_night.htm

I bet they wax themselves and rub each other down with oil.

2.  Tanning is a pretty self-explanatory pasttime for tools around the nation.  Usually their chests are shaved too.  Using tanning beds is probably the best way to waste money and give yourself skin cancer, let alone make you an orange tinted spokesperson for douchebags around the world.  It’s one thing to enjoy a day at the beach and procure a natural, golden-brown suntan from the sun itself (which I don’t necessarily condone), but quite another to throwdown money and time out of your day to lay in a coffin of UV light for purely aesthetic reasons.

-EXCEPTION-
I hate to admit it, but I have used a tanning bed before.  More than once, truth be told.  I had a devastating swimsuit tanline from my vacation in Florida and it looked beyond tacky.  So I took a suggestion from a friend and decided to visit the tanning salon for a few sessions so the lines would fade.  I bought a package of like 5 tans that would never expire and didn’t even use them all in a span of 3 or 4 weeks.  My tanlines did fade and I don’t think I looked noticeably darker than I did before, just even.  I say you can be a non-douche and use tanning beds if you need to remove tanlines or want to build a slight base tan before going to Cancun.  But if you purchase a monthly membership or an entire bottle of lotion, all deals are off and you’re a fucking tool.

Gap ad gone terribly bro and terribly wrong, notice also the Ray Ban sunglasses being worn inside.

3. Popped collars are for tools, no doubt about it.  I don’t know who started that trend, but it exemplifies trying to be a badass by transforming a dignified, polished article of clothing such as a polo into some sort of degraded turtleneck.  There are reasons for collared shirts, especially polos.  These might be the most classic staple in American sportswear, trying to change that into something hip, trendy and badass is a douche move.  Douche.

-EXCEPTION-

Sometimes, when putting on a polo, the collar pops itself!  A lot of times I don’t notice until I see my reflection in a store window and fix it immediately.  I think it’s easy to determine whether a collar was accidentally or deliberately popped, but for those who have trouble telling the difference here are a few hints.

a.  symmetry: if a collar is fully positioned upright all the way around, it’s safe to assume that the user popped it himself.

b.  layers: some douches like to wear more than one polo as if one snug-fitting, heavy-knit shirt (usually worn over a t-shirt) isn’t enough.   If you’re layering polo on polo, odds are, both collars will be popped and you’re twice the douchebag we originally thought you were.

c.  who’s wearing it: the most surefire way you can tell if a collar is intentionally popped and whether the wearer is a douche is to use the context clues of who’s sporting the polo.  If it’s sherbet colored and matched with a pair of Dockers shorts and Sperry boat shoes, odds are you’ve got a douchebro.  According to Urban Dictionary, a popped collar is: Usually worn by Preps or Frat boys, they pop their collars because they hide their hickies they got from other frat boys.  So there’s your dead giveaway.

For more, see: http://www.poppedcollarsarelame.com/

My friends, just be wary of who you’re calling a douchebag because labeling someone as a douche equates that person to the most unsavory individuals in our society today.  Some of us exhibit their qualities without meaning to do so, so take into account these valuable rules I’ve given you before making your judgments.  But at the end of the day, a toll is a toll and a roll is a roll.  In the same way, a tool is a tool and a bro is a bro.  So pay attention to the individuals and how they carry themselves.  Listening to the way they speak and what they speak about is also a vital cue.  You’ll know one when you see one, just don’t be thrown off by harmless, non-obnoxious others wearing their garb or visiting the tanning salon because they have their reasons.  Legitimate ones.