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There are few things I hate more than your modern-day douchebag, you know the typical tool that you can spot from a mile away. Whether they manifest themselves through Ryan Seacrest haircuts, Tapout! T-shirts or Diesel jeans that cost more than my car- a douchebag is a douchebag and there’s no denying it.
I’ve already mentioned a few ways of spotting these assholes since they stick out like a sore thumb. But today I realized that I exhibit some of these characteristics! Now, I’m not a douchebag. In fact, I’m far from it. I’m probably the sweetest and friendliest model of humility around. But sometimes, I accidentally do things that douchebags do (and for completely different reasons might I add). To the naked eye, this means I translate as a fucking douche to those who have yet to meet me!? Therefore, I created a set of rules that excuses certain douchebag behaviors depending on a variety of situational factors.
Check out THIS guy!
1. Wearing sunglasses indoors. You know someone thinks they’re too cool for school if they’re in a building with their shades on (most likely mirrored aviators). It doesn’t matter if the place is a fucking greenhouse, there’s no reason to wear sunglasses inside. Just think of how ridiculous Jeremy Wariner looks, wearing his Oakleys at night. Same concept. Save your shades for sunny days at the beach and leave them in the car when you hit the night club.
-EXCEPTION-
I know the importance of a good set of sunglasses and never leave the house or drive my car without them if there’s the slightest hint of brightness in the atmosphere. They protect your eyes from harmful UV rays, keep you from squinting and look pretty snazzy. But I’ve caught myself off guard on occassion because I will walk into a building and forget that I’m wearing my sunglasses since they’re practically an extension of my face. I think this is an excusable reason to be wearing shades inside of a building. Therefore, you must give a 10-15 second grace period after an individual walks through the door. If they don’t remove their shades after this window of opportunity, they’re fair game. You can point and mumble “douchebag” under your breath all you want.
For more: visit http://jackcolton.com/dont_wear_sunglasses_at_night.htm
I bet they wax themselves and rub each other down with oil.
2. Tanning is a pretty self-explanatory pasttime for tools around the nation. Usually their chests are shaved too. Using tanning beds is probably the best way to waste money and give yourself skin cancer, let alone make you an orange tinted spokesperson for douchebags around the world. It’s one thing to enjoy a day at the beach and procure a natural, golden-brown suntan from the sun itself (which I don’t necessarily condone), but quite another to throwdown money and time out of your day to lay in a coffin of UV light for purely aesthetic reasons.
-EXCEPTION-
I hate to admit it, but I have used a tanning bed before. More than once, truth be told. I had a devastating swimsuit tanline from my vacation in Florida and it looked beyond tacky. So I took a suggestion from a friend and decided to visit the tanning salon for a few sessions so the lines would fade. I bought a package of like 5 tans that would never expire and didn’t even use them all in a span of 3 or 4 weeks. My tanlines did fade and I don’t think I looked noticeably darker than I did before, just even. I say you can be a non-douche and use tanning beds if you need to remove tanlines or want to build a slight base tan before going to Cancun. But if you purchase a monthly membership or an entire bottle of lotion, all deals are off and you’re a fucking tool.
Gap ad gone terribly bro and terribly wrong, notice also the Ray Ban sunglasses being worn inside.
3. Popped collars are for tools, no doubt about it. I don’t know who started that trend, but it exemplifies trying to be a badass by transforming a dignified, polished article of clothing such as a polo into some sort of degraded turtleneck. There are reasons for collared shirts, especially polos. These might be the most classic staple in American sportswear, trying to change that into something hip, trendy and badass is a douche move. Douche.
-EXCEPTION-
Sometimes, when putting on a polo, the collar pops itself! A lot of times I don’t notice until I see my reflection in a store window and fix it immediately. I think it’s easy to determine whether a collar was accidentally or deliberately popped, but for those who have trouble telling the difference here are a few hints.
a. symmetry: if a collar is fully positioned upright all the way around, it’s safe to assume that the user popped it himself.
b. layers: some douches like to wear more than one polo as if one snug-fitting, heavy-knit shirt (usually worn over a t-shirt) isn’t enough. If you’re layering polo on polo, odds are, both collars will be popped and you’re twice the douchebag we originally thought you were.
c. who’s wearing it: the most surefire way you can tell if a collar is intentionally popped and whether the wearer is a douche is to use the context clues of who’s sporting the polo. If it’s sherbet colored and matched with a pair of Dockers shorts and Sperry boat shoes, odds are you’ve got a douchebro. According to Urban Dictionary, a popped collar is: Usually worn by Preps or Frat boys, they pop their collars because they hide their hickies they got from other frat boys. So there’s your dead giveaway.
For more, see: http://www.poppedcollarsarelame.com/
My friends, just be wary of who you’re calling a douchebag because labeling someone as a douche equates that person to the most unsavory individuals in our society today. Some of us exhibit their qualities without meaning to do so, so take into account these valuable rules I’ve given you before making your judgments. But at the end of the day, a toll is a toll and a roll is a roll. In the same way, a tool is a tool and a bro is a bro. So pay attention to the individuals and how they carry themselves. Listening to the way they speak and what they speak about is also a vital cue. You’ll know one when you see one, just don’t be thrown off by harmless, non-obnoxious others wearing their garb or visiting the tanning salon because they have their reasons. Legitimate ones.
My favorite band of all time is New Found Glory. I’ve faithfully been a fan for years. I honestly couldn’t explain the full magnitude of my devotion to them, but I can tell you that hundreds of hours and dollars (all well-spent) have been dedicated to the band on my behalf. Whether it be through listening to their music, buying their albums, purchasing their merchandise or watching them perform live, years of my life have been spent constructing a metaphorical shrine to the wonder that is New Found Glory.
I feel like a black sheep among the herds. Back in junior high and early high school, it was actually “cool” to like New Found Glory. At the time, Sticks and Stones was arguably their most popular record. The hit, “My Friends Over You” got extensive play on the radio and even MTV. Wearing New Found Glory t-shirts, getting tickets to New Found Glory concerts and having posters of them in my room gave me instant street cred. It was 15-year-old normalcy to listen them.
A few sad years later, my peers started “growing out” of this pop-punk phase that was pretty much defined by skateboarding and listening to similar bands like Blink-182, Simple Plan and Good Charlotte. It was definitely no longer “cool” to listen to this genre of music, and I was an instant “square” for dressing like Avril Lavigne. Fortunately, my steadfast devotion to New Found Glory never wavered during this difficult time and I’ve stayed faithful all these years.
Furthermore, now that I’ve matured (albeit not much), I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter what your friends think about your music because that’s not what music is about. I’m glad I don’t wear ties and wristbands anymore, but I’m also really happy that I never rejected my favorite band because everyone else’s musical tastes were changing.
Band loyalty’s a powerful thing. Despite their deaths, 2pac and Biggie are forever immortalized through their music. Despite losing her hair, her children and her sanity, I’m sure there are still thousands of dedicated Britney fans who bought Blackout the day it was released. My theory is that after a certain number of years, band loyalty shifts into something much more potent – brand loyalty.
Big names like Britney, Madonna and Bono have certain associations attached to them, and a lot of it’s image. It doesn’t matter how far these artists have come; people still remember Spears in her naughty school girl outfit, Madonna and her cone bra and Bono and his infamous sunglasses. These performers come with a distinct brand image attached to them. If consumers have satisfactory experiences and memories with these artists, positive associations and a sense of undying loyalty will always be in the back of their minds.
I feel that way about New Found Glory. It’s been more than five years since I attended my first New Found Glory show (with my dad!). But I still remember the huge venue, the screaming fans and of course the incredible performance.
The band just released their first greatest hits album, Hits about two weeks ago. Of course I pre-ordered it on Amazon.com and tore it open the day it arrived on my doorstep. Moments like that remind me of how faithful a fan I am.
As noted on albumproject.net, every song on this 12 track album is one I’ve heard before. This $13 piece of plastic is just a mere compilation of their most popular hits from their previous albums, but it doesn’t matter to me. I love this band and want to own and be apart of anything associated with them.
Bands get automatic publicity from their existing listeners. Of course targeting new audiences in order to expand their fan base should be a promotional objective for New Found Glory, but as music and social trends show, a lot of those new fans are fleeting, as demonstrated by the sad truth of my youth.
Finding these die-hard brand loyal fans and keeping them happy is essential for survival and further development of this intangible concept of a brand. Promotional efforts such as constantly updating their myspace accounts, facebook news feeds and e-mail lists keeps interested listeners not just informed, but excited too.
When I receive on-line newsletters in my inbox, I feel like I’m part of a community united for one common cause. It’s a lot like the caucus I attended a month ago. You’re among hundreds of strangers, but you all commune in the name of hope and change (or whatever platforms Clinton and McCain stand for if that’s the way you swing). New Found Glory holds a special place in my heart and always will even if they divorce their wives, get caught up in sex scandals or go to rehab. I’m hoping this doesn’t happen, but if it does, my positive memories and experiences with the band will probably still outweigh their shortcomings.
I’m listening to Hits as I write this post, and yes, all the tracks are just the most famous songs from their old albums. But I still remember the first time those pre-ordered albums arrived on my doorsteps throughout the years and the excitement of ripping away the shrink wrap and enjoying the music.
Being a fan of music isn’t about what’s popular and shouldn’t be defined by trends or your peers. Being a fan is relishing in these remarkable personal moments like going to concerts with your dad or getting autographs or even just listening to the music in the privacy of your own room. I might be a square for loving New Found Glory, but I will proudly wear their t-shirts and attend their concerts frequented by skateboarding 15-year-olds for years to come. I’ve developed more than a liking for New Found Glory, or even a love for that matter. I’ve developed this weird mutually beneficial relationship with this band and I think at its core, that’s what music is really about.
On Saturday morning, I set my alarm for 10 a.m. and promptly jumped out of bed when it went off. Oh, I know what you’re thinking.
1. Why the hell would you set your alarm on a Saturday?
2. If you were to set your alarm on a Saturday, why the hell would you wake up before noon?
Well friends, I have four syllables for you – Radiohead.
After their latest album In Rainbows debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard charts here in the U.S., the band decided to embark on a 22-city North American tour. Everything must be bigger in Texas if two of those coveted cities include Dallas and Houston. God, I love living in this enormous state.
Anyway, tickets for the Dallas show went on sale 12 p.m. CST on Saturday, Feb. 16. This explains why I set my alarm with ample time to rush to my nearest Ticketmaster location (Macy’s at the local mall) and try to snag two tickets of my own.
I got to the mall around 11 a.m., idly shopping and burning time until noon. I even set the alarm on my phone for 11:45 to reinforce the urgency of the situation. By then, I perused through racks of baby clothes and Martha Stewart Housewares on the third floor until about 11:58 when I finally went to Customer Service to line up.
Boy, I’m glad I didn’t wait a minute later.
There were already about seven people in front of me, each purchasing four tickets of their own. The reserved seats were already sold out and only lawn seats were available; this is less than five minutes after they went on sale!
Finally, my turn came around and it was the most beautiful transaction I’ve ever made. I will never forget the way my two tickets glowed inside that golden Ticketmaster envelope. I remember thinking to myself, “This is how it must feel when you hold your newborn baby in your arms for the very first time.”
It’s safe to say I was pretty stoked.
I periodically checked the Ticketmaster Web site throughout the weekend to see if tickets were still available. The Superpages.com Center in Dallas has quite an accommodating lawn; I’ve been to many-a-show there. Tickets were still available the last time I checked Saturday night, but they were all gone by Sunday morning. This meant that I had two members of an extinct endangered species stowed away safely in my wallet, and it felt pretty damn good.
So what’s the big deal with Radiohead? Well, first of all they’re awesome. Their third album, OK Computer inspired this very blog’s user name. Second of all, they’re arguably the most interesting band I know save the White Stripes (I can’t get over the fact that the Stripes only wear red, black and white and pretend to be siblings when they’re actually ex-husband and wife). It’s hard to beat such a monochromatic, seemingly incestuous development, but Radiohead come in a close second. Plus, I like them way more.
But why do I find this British music group so interesting? I mean, they wear different colors and as far as I know, none of them were previously married to each other. However, their Oct. 2007 release of In Rainbows was historical.
Radiohead released their 7th album digitally, allowing fans, listeners and frankly, anyone to pay whatever they wanted for it, including nothing. I personally waited until Jan. 1 to snag my own hard copy for $7.99, but I’m sure many took advantage of the virtually free album. I wanted the hard copy because I like building my tangible CD collection, and well, it comes with stickers.
I bought the latest issue of Rolling Stone with Radiohead frontman, Thom Yorke, pensively gracing the cover. The article went in-depth about the unconventional release of In Rainbows, and said that the average amount the album sold for totaled to $2.26. Though this seems low, it’s actually more than they would have earned if they formally released the CD through a traditional record label.
Interesting.
Another fascinating factoid about Radiohead is their sustainable habits. According to Treehugger.com, the band make an effort to tour responsibly in order to reduce their carbon emissions and ecological footprint. Not only do Radiohead use alternative forms of transportation when they tour (sea, rail, road), they started playing gigs in cities to encourage concert-goers to take public transportation rather than their own cars. (I will keep this in mind come May 18 when I commute to the Superpages.com Center via railroad).
But I suppose the thing that intrigues me most about this great band is the fact that they seem to exhibit a complete disregard for the current music industry and its trends. They like doing things their own way whether its touring by train or digitally releasing their record. And since they have such a loyal fan base that expands the entire globe, this way of thinking totally works for them.
In his Rolling Stone interview, York said, “If I die tomorrow, I’ll be happy that we didn’t carry on working within this industry that I don’t feel any connection with.”
Letting fans and the public know their unconventional stance on music industry normalcy is probably the gutsiest publicity move they could choose to do, however, it’s also their smartest and most successful.
Currently, the public doesn’t like the music industry either. Therefore, seeing huge bands like Radiohead express their individualism and integrity in their own unique way resonates even more with listeners. I know I feel that way, which is why I set my alarm before noon on a Saturday to purchase tickets to their show.
I’ll never be able to fully explain what makes Radiohead one of my favorite bands, albeit such an interesting one. Maybe it’s their foreign exoticism, maybe it’s the fact that in terms of their music, there’s nothing quite like it.
But the mere fact that I can’t explain why I love them is probably why I love them as much as I do. They’re a constant mystery, surprising fans left and right with digital album releases and short-lived North American tours. I like how they keep me guessing and I love how they never disappoint. And I know their concert in May will totally blow me head over heels.
Radiohead over heels, that is.
Feb. 14 might possibly be the most dreaded day of the year for single females across the nation. I know it is for me.
I’ve lost a lot of faith in the idea of love over the years with the high divorce rate and prevalence of infidelity in typical marriages, but even moreso when love is attached to celebrity.
As a die-hard teeny-bopper in my formative years, I followed the Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey romance since its conception circa 1999. No marriage seemed more genuine nor more fairy-tale like than theirs. However, it didn’t take long for MTV camera crews to ruin what I considered the perfect Hollywood couple (if there is such a thing). Coincidentally, Travis Barker/Shanna Moakler and Carmen Electra/Dave Navarro seemed to split under similar circumstances soon after Nick and Jessica. Geez, can any married couple stay together when its relationship is the basis of a reality TV series? Most likely not.
But what about non-high profile celebrity couples? My heart burst when the lead guitarists from my two favorite bands (Chad Gilbert from New Found Glory and Sherri Dupree from Eisley) joined in holy matrimony around this time last year. Furthermore, on this very day last year, yet another non-mainstream musical engagement spawned from similar roots (Adam Lazzara from Taking Back Sunday and Chauntelle Dupree (Sherri’s Sister) from Eisley).
Imagine my excitement about future concert tours and joint ventures between three of my favorite bands! Not to mention the prospect of adorable and musically talented children. I found the entire development heartbreakingly romantic and followed those two relationships like a hawk (mainly through Eisley’s meticulously updated blog).
And I wasn’t the only one.
Sure, Eisley and Taking Back Sunday don’t grace the cover of Entertainment Weekly every day, but an entire community of distraught emo kids absolutely worship these folks, me included. MacBeth even planned on designing Lazzara’s suit for his wedding with Chauntelle this March.
New Found Glory titled their first album Nothing Gold Can Stay. It never seemed more appropriate.
Sherri and Chad split in early December, genuinely causing my heart to sink. These two were the epitome of what I thought true love was – best friends touring together, writing songs about each other and eventually falling in love and getting married. The same goes for Sherri’s sister, Chauntelle and Adam who decided to call off their engagement a few weeks ago. All of my beloved celebrity couples are breaking up, some quicker and rockier than others, but splitting up all the same. Do individuals really have to sacrifice true love for fame and stardom?
In some ways, yes. Touring the globe in separate continents and timezones for months at a time can definitely be detrimental to relationships. Relationships take communication and time and trust; these things are harder and harder to come by, especially among the famous.
I only wish the best to the heartbroken constituents of these failed relationships because the only thing worse than getting your heartbroken is having it publicized to a slew of dissenters or disappointed fans that will surely pick the situation to pieces in their blogs. Shame on me.
In spite of the disappointing news, I think Eisley in particular does a great job of tastefully communicating news to their fans. Eisley is a unique development since they are a family band; the members are all siblings plus one cousin and their father, Boyd Dupree is the band’s manager. Balancing the publicity of a band with family life must be a tricky task, but the Duprees do a great job of blogging about their lives on the band website and capitalizing on the personal sentiments that naturally come from being apart of a close-knit family. After discreetly mentioning Chauntelle and Adam’s called off engagement, Boyd wrote about how Eisley will move on, focus on their music and continue touring.
I thought the band was especially smart in asking fans to be sensitive and considerate about the recent break-ups. Not only does this stifle potential bad publicity, but it humanizes famous people – a rare construct in the music industry. The only thing harder to find in the entertainment world is love itself.
From now on, the public should focus on living their love lives vicariously through fictional couples. Entertainment Weekly just issued Pop Culture’s Top True (Fictional) Lovers. I’m personally rooting for Jim and Pam (The Office) and Ron and Hermione. Now those, those are matches made in heaven. That’s what true love should be like.
Sigh, entirely fabricated.
So, Happy Valentine’s Day!
